What I Did .. Who I am .. Why I’m Alive !!

I’m a bad person !!

I didn’t respect my mother !!

I made her cry !!

I made her feel that she’s a monster !!

I don’t deserve to be her Son !!

Hell is waiting for me !!

I want to die today with this feeling !!

I don’t want to live this Happy anymore !!

I don’t want my life to be Happy anymore !!

I deserve to be a person who don’t Happiness !!

My wife is right I’m an Asshole !!

I don’t deserve any kind of Respect !!

I’m Disgusting to be a Human !!

I’m ashamed to be her Son !!

I’m not allowed to use the word Sorry !!

My Dead brother won’t Help me !!

I don’s deserve to be her son anymore !!

I want to Die !!

With the guilt inside me !!

It’s none of my Mistake !!

It’s my Mistake !!

I’m the Monster who eaten up her Respect !!

I won’t allow myself to be Happy again !!

My words hurt her more than any death she faced !!

She just wants me to be her Part of thoughts !!

I’m failed to be a better Son !!

I’m failed to be a Human !!

I always believe my Intentions are pure !!

But my actions & words are pure Evil !!

I Can’t take anything back !!

I don’t want to take anything back !!

Everyday I’m gonna make me remember everyday !!

That I’m the person who kill her mother Dignity !!

RAISE MY HAND TO DESTINY !!

WHEREEVER IT TAKES ME GOOD OR BAD !!

I’M READY TO ACCEPT MY DEMONS’S WILL !!

I DON’T DESERVE TO BE A GOOD HUMAN !!

Let me write today about myself !!

Let me write today about myself..

Whatever fear I thought of ever consciously or unconsciously .. Is HAPPENING in front of me since last past 2 3 months. And it’s making me insecure I ever was. I have nothing till the time I was at peace, the time I was not thinking about myself, 

One day, I made a decision only for myself.. For the first time in last 6 fucking years. I took a strong decision, I took a strong commitment, against all the Universe, Against all my god, against all my love till that time, for which I’m really proud of, Because it’s mine.

After that – Who I am, where I am, what I’m goona be.
Let’s write a note on the same thing, But where to start to find the words to write about myself. Do I even know myself right now. I’m Laughing out loud right now because I’m unable to cry out loud.

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Scattered all over the place. For the last few days, I have felt like my energy and my mind are scattered to the four winds. When I sit down and try to do something, my mind is like a ping-pong ball bouncing around. At first, I tried to force myself to focus, which didn’t work at all. I just got frustrated. Then, I realized, I have tools at my disposal to help myself; things that I’ve learned over the years that have worked well for me. So why am I not using them? (Cue: Slap to the forehead.

But what about the love I fell in .. What it does to me.. I took a wrong path. I picked out the wrong emotions but I wasn’t wrong. It scares me to that fact that I don’t want loose it any manner.

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I cried out loud today.
Today.
Nothing feels right ..
I want to hold my rib cage ..
Over a blank page ..
& shake out every word that had ever lived ..
In the empty space ..
Until there is nothing left ..
But a jumbled mess of bloody ink ..
Before me ..
& I’m empty and numb again !!

15th November 2021 !! 

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What it likes to be a Good Person !!
Does it feel good.. Is it easy to be a One
How much courage it take to have a Open Hearth !!
Does it make you feel happy !!
..
NO
..
Being a Empath ..
is not Easy, it doesn’t feel good ..
It tore you inside out ..
It’s a TOXIC environment out there ..
INHUMANITY all over ..
EXPECTATIONS that made your knees weak ..
If I am a GOOD person ..
I’m not allowed to Expect to other to be Good.
Keep it to yourself, Struggle with your Emotion.

Why ?? .. Because..

Nature choose you to be a Empath, a Good Person ..
You have courage to Suffer !!
You have power to Sustain !!
You have respect to Humanity !!
..

The one who have Spine to discover the depth of Happiness .. Will swap Rivers for your Ocean Heart.

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Where’s your Sensitivity
That touch the ground ..
Where’s your Empathy
That touch the inner lining
Did you find it or Did you loose it.
Don’t worry, it’s an illusion.
..
illusion? .. YES !!
an illusionary Light that comes
shining through the closed doors
of your Soul.
..
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You are a Good Person !!
why you stop smiling then ..
why your heart ache ..

If you are a Good Person ..
Rip me Open ..
Watch me Bleed ..
Drink the truth ..
From my Veins ..
If you have courage to see ..
Erase every touch ..
Look what’s inside ..
Are you there ..
If you have courage to listen..
Listen to my Sorrow ..
Crack of Bones ..
Sound of innocence..
Listen Only if ..
If you are a Good Person !!

SLEEP .. If you are a Good Person !!

Let me Write today .. !!

Let me write a poem today
Of a time where I’m fresh & funny
No poison I’m my heart & my heart tender pink
Let me write a poem today
Of the time I lived & which I am shared to live again
I will write a fresh one some other day,
and I promise that I will talk of Hopes & Support
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Hide these stars in my eyes safe,
It’s going to be a long night,
Wanderers like us,
Will meet somewhere,
May be in the morning light..
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#Look_Into_Dark

Emotions aren’t rational always so just write them down with the answer you tell yourself when you’re down to commitment.

Pretending !!

 

What else could wrong.
..
There are so many dreams deprived in my eyes

and so many nightmare standing awake and alert.

Every goodbye feels like a beautiful waterfall

crushing the swimmer below it.

But still I hope for swim.

No escape plan in mind.

Even when I see you leaving,

and it doesn’t matter if my eyes are closed.

You are always leaving my unconscious fantasy.
..

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!! It’s not the destiny but curse that separate us !!
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Now think of me again.
There are strings deep in the cosmos only you can see,
Hidden from the eyes of all your suitors.
They connect you to me.
Grab them with soft hands,
Let me arrive back into your time !!

It has been a Year !!

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Sometime we get so caught up in our daily lives

that we forget to take the time out to enjoy the beauty in life.
It’s been a year & then I surrendered to the soft,

and the sweet and the sorrow, not shying away,

allowing each inhale + exhale to source a new life in my believe from their exchange with Nature.

LET THIS TEACH YOU.

I am learning to love the sound of my feet

walking away from things not meant for me.

It’s happening unintentionally.

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जीवन में एक सितारा था
माना वह बेहद प्यारा था
वह डूब गया तो डूब गया
अंबर के आंगन को देखो
कितने इसके तारे टूटे
कितने इसके प्यारे छूटे
जो छूट गए फ़िर कहाँ मिले
पर बोलो टूटे तारों पर
कब अंबर शोक मनाता है
जो बीत गई सो बात गई

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Nyctophilia : Warm Darkness !!

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You may or may not listen
But I keep mumbling you name
On the way to endless journey
I light your memories up, to keep me warm
The wooden locks
That shut the sigh
Need to opened with the gesturing eyes
The night hasn’t ended
Since it fall I’ve been waiting

One who remembers and the one who forsakes,
suffer the same, exactly the same heartache

The Shore !!

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Searching for Shore ..
in whose eyes the sun sets ..
the sun sets in whose eyes ..
drop turned saline ..
Who to ask how much longer ..
the pain we continue to bear ..
holding the hand of the blinded night ..
we must walk yet how much longer ..
drop becomes the color of time ..
that never heals ..
in whose eyes the sun sets ..
the sun sets in whose eyes ..
..
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The Dead knows they never lived fully ..

And it never stops with death !!

Honest Conversation !!

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When the lights go out

and we get to sit out in the soft light

of just a little bit of hope,

we can think of ourselves,

the nature shows her face to us

and we see how damaged we are from

ages of being

beaten down.

Being highly intuitive & energy sensitive

comes with lots of responsibility.

The first and most important is to

stay grounded.

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In the middle of nowhere life is so subtle sometimes that we barely notice ourselves walking through the doors that we once prayed would open for us.

Help yourself with your inner energy balance !!

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Try Again !!

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A little chant may not seem like a real spell,

but it can still bring magical

results of you put your heart into it.

Use this spell when you are

looking for something

you’ve misplaced in you home.

You just need a white candle.

Light the candle,

and put it in a holder that is easy to carry.

Begin to walk from room to room with it,

repeating the following

“I need what I seek,
Give me a peak,
Draw y Eyes,
For my prize,”

Let your eyes wander around until you

feel drawn to the spot where

your missing one is hiding.

“I didn’t find mine, I have only one room to go.”